sometimes i say that i love you, but i don't really know if i do.

if it's judged by emotions, i think i don't love you much - it's quite difficult loving someone who is not visible, not tangible. i don't know how it's done. i'm sure you hear me and all, but sometimes, it just gets very difficult.

i do want to love you, cos i know that you first love me, and it's not very nice of me not to return this love that is frankly very awesome.

right now, there is this huge question mark in my mind. i don't really know how to address it. i know i'm still yours and all, but some of these knowledge is going beyond me, and is quite alien.. like something that i once knew but no longer could identify with.

people around me who profess to love you don't really seem like they do. some what like me la. and there are those who are all out crazy for you, and those also i can't identify with. sometimes i feel so alone in this relationship, even when i'm amidst people who claim that they are sold out for you.

i need to reconcile my faith, my thoughts, my emotions, my being. but i can't. i feel so weak, so at loss. everyone has something to say about this, even me, but what are you saying? why can't you be loud? or at least audible?

there are just too many facets to this relationship. and to relate to you on so many levels is just too much for me. which one do i focus on? you being my God? savior? friend? comforter? i don't think i know you much. maybe cos i didn't pursue you much. it's me isn't it?

i won't give up on this relationship, but i don't know where it is heading. and it can be very overwhelming at times. when i call out to you, i really wish for a more tangible response.

life is pretty much undesirable right now cos of the immense pressure i face at work. i don't know how all those before me do it, but i don't think i'd last long. i'm just too weak for this fire.

i don't know what i am doing anymore.

and i need you. so much closer. :(