As I go into the final few chapters of Yancey's Prayer, I honestly still can't find a concrete reason for prayer, other than that Jesus and every notable man and woman of God before and after Him did it, and still doing it. I do it too, and I can't say for sure why I do it.

Yancey covered most if not all my concerns e.g. if God listening, does it matter, does it change anything, whatever do we do it for, why are some prayers answered and some aren't, what is the pattern, what can I do? but still, I do not understand. Why is the world such a complicated place? Why is there so much evil and pain and unanswered questions? Why? What is the point of living? (I'm not suicidal) And for the millionth time, why am I born? Why are we here? Why is anyone here? Why were we created? Why do we have to suffer? Why are we given reign on this earth, knowing full well that we were going to wreck havoc no thanks to our sinful nature? Why is there so much suffering in the world?

I know I can choose to look at the beautiful things in the world. God's creation, from the things our eyes could see to those our minds can imagine. Mind blowing art pieces and works, from the most creative of minds. Written words that capture the essence of our being. Acts of kindness and love. Hope. Laughter. Contentment. Beauty from ashes.

And to have all these existing in the same confined reality. This world. WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHYYYYY..

Snippet from Philip Yancey's Prayer

pg 191
Jesus taught a model prayer, the Lord's prayer, but otherwise gave few rules. His teaching reduces down to three principles: Keep it honest, keep it simple, keep it up.

Snippets from CS Lewis' The Great Divorce

pg 36
"Do you really think that there are no sins of intellect?"

"There are indeed, Dick. There is hide-bound prejudice, and intellectual dishonesty, and timidity, and stagnation. But honest opinions fearlessly followed -- they are not sins."

pg 38
.. Having allowed oneself to drift, unresisting, unpraying, accepting every half-conscious solicitations from our desires, we reached a point where we no longer believed the Faith. ... The beliefs are sincere in the sense that they do occur as psychological events in the man's mind. If that's what you mean by sincerity, they are sincere, and so were ours. But errors which are sincere in that sense are not innocent.

read this piece by caleb wilde yesterday and reading it again this morning.. it's the same questions i have asked and am asking again. why doesn't God intervene to save the victims of direct acts of evil? in that article, he mentioned about a girl who was raped repeatedly by her father when she was young. it's just abominable.. makes me wanna puke thinking about it. and yet, a loving God watches and does.. nothing. i feel bad for even thinking that God doesn't care. sometimes when i am faced with difficulties (#firstworldpains, anyone?), i know that it's for my own good, to build my character, to help me understand the world better, to be wiser. but what good can an atrocious act like rape teach a young child? what, Lord, what?! what is the point of prayer? why are prayers for an empty parking space or providence sometimes answered but not these cries for help?! i don't quite get what "essential kenosis" mean.. it might be somewhat an answer to us sitting comfortably in our chairs reading this and trying to make sense of it all, but to those who were hurt, who value is it? i am still reading through philip yancey's prayer. i don't think any of my questions have been answered. again and again, i don't expect them to be answered in this lifetime.

Snippet from Yancey's Prayer

pg 159
A friend of Yancey said that few ppl she knows find prayer fulfilling, easy or rewarding, and added that: I think prayer is analogous to sex. Most ppl wld complain abt their sex lives; a few do really well. Sex and prayer are intimate and over glamorized rships. We are all led to believe that we shd be in thr stratosphere in sex and in prayer. It sets up false expectation. And breaks down intimacy.

Snippets from Philip Yancey's Prayer

pg 140
Go into your closet and shut the door, Jesus advised. I envision doing just that: entering a closet with my pressing, time-bound burdens and asking God to renew, refresh, remind -- in other words, to pour some eternity into me. I try to get my mind off myself, to empty it.

pg 143
I will never figure out the precise role of prayer in events like the path of hurricanes or the downfall of Communism. None of us time-bound humans has that capacity.

----------

God is unchanging, the same yesterday today and forever. Then does prayer change God? If he's all knowing, does it still matter? Yes it does. He's known to change circumstances. The unchanging bit is his nature, i.e. love. Prayer is meant for me to sustain my rship w God. I don't think I'd know now how to live without a conscious knowledge of his being and presence. It's still a somewhat perplexing rship sometimes : /

Received my twelfth wedding invite for the year.

...

Hands down it was the most surprising ever. This year. All years.

Someone I've known for years in church... is tying the knot with a lady of the dominant faith in this country. After the initial shock of finding out that he has been seeing someone (not a peep for years!) wore off... the realisation that he had to officially change his religion just made everything a blur. He said it was perfunctory.. it's just a lot for me to process right now i guess.. what with the little 2nd hand info I have. It couldn't have been an easy decision. I.. Mm.. God, cover them with your grace.

Snippets as I read along

I am reading Philip Yancey's Prayer now. Just wanna rber these lines from the book. They resonated within me.

pg 29
Why pray? I have asked this question almost everyday of my Christian life, eapecially when God's presence seems far away and I wonder if prayer is a pious form of talking to myself.

pg46
Jonathan Aitken..compares his rship w God to that w a bank manager: I spoke to him politely, visited his premises intermittently, occassionally asked him for a small favor or OD to get myself out of difficulty, thanked him condescendingly for his assistance, kept up the appearance of being one if his reasonably reliable customers, and maintained superficial contact w him on the grounds that one of these days he might come in useful.

pg 47
George Mcdonald gave this advice to those for whom the positive image of "father" has been stained: "You must interpret that word by all you have missed in life."

pg 54
I rbered reading the account of a spiritual seeker who interrupted a busy life to spend a few days in a monastery. "I hope your stay is a blessed one," said the monk showing the visitor his cell. "If you need anything, let us know and we will teach you how to live without it."

Come Awake, David Crowder Band
You are not the only one
Who feels like you're the only one

What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV)

I like this verse. The jaded part of me especially. This verse is a somewhat sober reminder not think too highly of our creative selves. I like it but I can't agree with it all the time. There's always something new every day since even before Solomon's time. Human beings are creative and innovative by nature. Just look at the phone from which I am typing this. Did Solomon have this? He wish! We have come a looonnngggggg wayyyy.. Then I guess his lament has to do with human nature and spirit..? What has been done will be done again.. i.e. making new discoveries.. that, or finding ingenious methods of hurting each other and ourselves. Bottom line is, we see too many new things to be able to agree with this line.

Maybe he was having a bad/emo day.. we all go through that.

passion week fasting - day 4

John 21

15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 

18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.”

19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

passion week fasting - day 2

Scripture reading

John 15

• v3 - you are already clean because of the word i have spoken to you
• v12 - my command is this: love each other as i have loved you
• v16 - you did not choose me, but i chose and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit...
• v17 - love each other

John 16

• v25 - though i have been speaking figuratively
• v33 - i have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. in this world you will have trouble. but take heart! i have overcome the world.

the scripture reading was interrupted by a text from the husband asking for some bank documents. i was annoyed and got into that mode. sigh i so fail at this.

passion week fasting - day 1

Soon
Brooke Fraser, 2009

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place he has prepared for me
There my sin erased, My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders 'round the throne
At His feet I'll lay my crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

fasting journal - day 5

Today’s reading is about finding my purpose. I think it’s just me, not knowing how to listen. Maybe whatever listening that needs to be done isn’t what I expect, therefore I’ve already shut my ears to those things that I should be listening out for? It adds to the frustration I am already feeling. It’s like I’m not getting it, and I fear that I will NEVER get it. I know the fear is silly, but I don’t want to sit this life out, and yet I am not willing to venture out without knowing where on earth am I suppose to go. I am not like that. I am past the age of fearlessness and risk taking. Is that a kind of brokenness? Was it my own doing? You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity. Jeremiah 29:13-14 What does ALL MY HEART mean? It’s obviously not the half-heartedness that I am giving. I think I don’t realize how cowardice I am! Where is the me who take leaps of faith? Have I lost myself? No. This is the next phase, a new season. I can think like last time, I can’t expect things to be the same. I should expect NEW things. New experiences, new lessons, new truth (not new new, but truth I have not known before). Lord, speak to me. Or rather, let me hear you! I don’t know where to look already. Am I supposed to wait some more? Haha.. as if my waiting was the kind of waiting I should have done (or the kind I know). Are you frustrated at my thick-headedness? Have mercy Lord. I am appealing to your loving kindness. Let me into conversations about you. Those I love. May you be glorified in all I do and say. Amen.

fasting journal - day 4

it's been four days! rejoice! does it still count if i still think about food? those delicious steamed chicken and good ol' carbo-laden noodles? and stuff? argh! didn't the bible say that if i thought about it in my heart, i've already done it? :( i hope not. cos i can't stop thinking about food, glorious food. :( shameful, right? haha.. why won't the hunger pangs go away? anyways, today's reading is about the renewal of our physical self. the outer temple, where the holy spirit dwells. about taking care of it. speaking about food, i know i have to watch my intake. i am not young anymore boo hoo, and i know that my body doesn't process food as well as it did 10 years ago. or even 5. and exercise. i know that i need to take care of this body. it's the only one i have. so fragile at that. the astronomical cholesterol level from my medical check up report still haunts me. but i am taking care of myself! i am, i am! i think. :P Lord God, i am going to ask for something even i think is nonsense. i am going to pray that my body doesn't age. i was nonsense soon as the thought was conceived as a prayer item i know. help me to take care of it. when i eat, may i practice moderation. that i don't overeat. that i don't (over)eat stuff that aren't good for me. ergh, srsly, that's all i am taking from this verse??? TSK TSK. Lord, i know now that my body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in me, who i have received from you God. i am not my own, i was bought at a price. there i want to honor your Lord with my body. a 1 cor 6:19-20 prayer oh, i need to get to see that ob-gyn.

fasting journal - day 3

today i am reading about the renewal of my mind and that this will transform me, instead of me succumbing to the pattern of the world. of course this makes sense and seems so ideal. is it because that i am looking at this from that pair of glasses that i am looking at it as an ideal, instead of something really life transforming? do i believe it? yes i do. do i believe that it's for me? yes i do. do i believe that this could happen to me? i don't know. i feel like a duck's back, every water drop just slides past and away. God, i can't figure out where i am spiritually, and that bothers me a lot. i feel like i am looking at a fool, who is myself. it's frustrating. i don't want to go back to where i was, i knew much less then, and i understood, perceived matters like a child. i want to grow in you Lord. and yet. i hate that: and yet. it's like the birth of an excuse. i don't want to depend on my own strength and understanding. perhaps that is why i have been failing. i thought i could do it. now, how do i surrender to you lord? it's easier said than done. does saying it mean anything? mm i guess i will be put in situations right? oh well, bring it on! and be with me! Holy Spirit be my guide, be my teacher. i wanna be humble, and yet, i am not very keen on eating its pie. haha, is there a way around this Lord? though, i think i might have eaten a lot of pie lately. how do you love such as us? HOW?? le sigh. Lord God, i want to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to you. that is my true and proper worship. i no longer want to be conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind. only then i will be able to test and approve what God's will is, your good, pleasing and PERFECT will. in jesus's name i pray, AMEN! a romans 12:1-2 prayer.